Big Age-Gap Relationships Are Having a Moment

AGRs By The Numbers

While the average age difference in US heterosexual relationships was a relatively small 2.2 years in 2022, many couples have a much wider gap.

According to an analysis of the most recent US Census Data available, 8.5 percent of married opposite-sex couples are 10 or more years apart; of these, only 1.3 percent involve an older woman, like Priyanka Chopra, who is a decade older than her husband Nick Jonas. And the percentage of AGRs is higher in same-sex relationships, representing 25 percent of male-male unions (like Elton John and David Furnish, 15 years apart) and 15 percent of female-female pairings (see Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor and their 32-year age difference). And the wider gaps are rarer; only one percent of heterosexual couples in the US have an age difference of 28 years or more, like Patriots football coach Bill Belichick and his girlfriend, who are 48 years apart.

“There has been increased attention to and acceptance of big-age-gap relationships in recent years,” says Holly Wood, PhD, a certified sex therapist in San Clemente, CA. Several factors are influencing this trend, she notes, including changing social norms, increased visibility in the media and popular culture, and online dating, which expands the pool of potential partners. Also, she adds, there has been an increase in what she calls life experience alignment. “As people live longer and have more varied life experiences, they may find compatibility with partners of different ages who share similar values or life stages.”

The Upsides of AGRs

Finding your person is nothing to sneeze at, and big age-gap relationships, like closer in age pairings, can be quite rewarding. One of their key strengths, says LMFT Sean O’Neill of Los Angeles, is the diversity of experiences and knowledge each partner contributes. “Both individuals can grow as they learn from one another’s life stories and perspectives,” he says. Wood agrees that a broadening of perspectives is often a positive for individuals in an AGR. “Partners from different generations bring diverse life experiences, knowledge, and wisdom to the relationship,” she says, “often fostering greater personal growth and deeper understanding.”

Laura Bolander of Stephentown, NY, agrees that there are many benefits to a marriage with a decade-wide age gap. “He and I both know what we need to be happy as individuals, which carries over to us being happy as a couple,” she says.

AGRs may also offer benefits to people of different ages who are nonetheless at similar stages of their lives. Kelly Wallace of Portland, OR, dated a man 16 years older than her for four years, meeting when she was 31 and he was 47. “I felt like going older would allow me to find someone who wanted to be in a committed relationship,” she says.

One benefit of such an age gap was that her partner was more settled in his career. “At 31, it was hard to find men who were in the same boat as me,” she says. “I live in an area where people just aren’t as serious about their careers — Portland really is the place where young people go to retire. When I was younger, men my age were working as baristas in coffee shops or living with roommates. I wanted someone who matched my situation; I was several years into owning my own business and was living alone.”

Sara Sloan, an LMFT in Austin, TX dated older men when she was in her mid-twenties as a professor finishing up her Ph.D. for much the same reasons as Wallace. “It was incredibly helpful, because instead of getting complaints about not wanting to go out, I was with men that understood what it took to be successful and were often following schedules similar to mine,” she says. Now in her mid-forties, Sloan has no regrets about her earlier AGRs.

And then there’s sex. Because some older women report increased sexual desire, this can align well with younger men’s typically high sex drives. Such was the case for Cari Lawrence* of St. Louis, who lived with a man 23 years younger than she for several years, calling it the most beautiful and romantic relationship of her life. “The sexual endurance, the playfulness and the excitement about life and enthusiasm for the future made it particularly fun and liberating,” she says. But while they met during Covid, being in different life stages once the world opened up again brought strains to the relationship. “I didn’t want to spend my nights in clubs,” she says, “and he couldn’t relate to the responsibilities I had with my high-school-aged children.”

Big age-gap relationships in the LGBTQ+ community often bring unique dynamics that set them apart from heterosexual ones, including the role of shared identity within a marginalized community, says Lilith Foxx, a board-certified sexologist in Houston. “An older LGBTQ+ partner may have lived through major cultural shifts like the HIV/AIDS crisis, the fight for marriage equality or a time when it was much harder to live openly,” she says. “That lived experience can add depth to the relationship, offering opportunities for the older partner to share their wisdom and for the younger partner to provide fresh perspectives on how things have changed.”

Such was the case for Sara Terez Rosenblum of Chicago, who lived for several years with a woman 17 years older than she is. “Honestly, I was a little lost in my twenties and it was nice to feel like I was with someone who knew more than I did,” she says. “Not only was the sex amazing, as a young lesbian it was also really nice to feel like I was getting a sort of cultural education.”

AGRs Have Their Drawbacks

As with others involved in less common relationships, “People can be quick to make assumptions about age-gap relationships, and that outside scrutiny can be tough to deal with,” Foxx says. But, adds Michelle King Rayfield, LMFT of Newport Beach, CA, “the bond between partners can strengthen as they learn to prioritize their shared values over such external pressures.”

Another unique dynamic to navigate in an AGR is the potential imbalance of power. “Differences in financial stability, career experience or social networks can sometimes create an imbalance, even unintentionally,” Foxx says.

“I do think that if there is a major power indifference, such as boss/employee or teacher/student, that is unethical whether there is an age gap or not,” Sloan adds. Such a mismatched power relationship is depicted in last year’s film Babygirl, where Nicole Kidman’s CEO character has a torrid romance with an intern 29 years her junior.

The managing of different life stages can also cause strains in the relationship, says King Rayfield. “For instance, one partner may be focused on advancing their career while the other is considering retirement,” she says. Although these differences can be challenging, they need not be dealbreakers, she notes, adding that open conversations between the couple about aligning future goals and expectations are essential in any relationship, age gap or no.

And finally, perhaps the most significant challenge faced by these couples only becomes apparent with the passage of time as “the older partner faces age-related health issues and limitations probably sooner than the younger one, potentially altering the relationship dynamic,” Wood says. This can usher in a challenging caretaker stage where the younger partner has increasing responsibility for caring for the older one and managing their life together.

Such was the case with Cynthia Gallagher* of Cleveland who has been with a man 12 years her senior for about 30 years; today she is 74 and he is 86. “The challenges have emerged in the last few years as his interest in going places and doing things and his stamina have been declining,” she says. “It’s difficult for him to walk, his hearing is terrible, and his eyesight is declining. I increasingly have to be his intermediary with the world, which isn’t a job I relish.”

Alexandra Grabbe of Arlington MA has been with a man about a decade older than her for close to 40 years; today she is 77 and he is 86. “I don’t think anyone thinks about the challenges that may lie ahead when you enter a relationship with an older man,” she says. “At least, I didn’t. You meet someone and you are attracted to that person, and you discover that you get on well. Of course, I knew there was the likelihood that he would die first, but when you’re 40, old age seems very far away. I felt like I had met an incredible human being and spending the rest of my life with him seemed like the right choice.”

There could also be a decline in sexual function as partners age. “When you see photos of handsome grey-haired men, dancing in commercials with their sixty-year-old wives,” Grabbe says, “it doesn’t occur to most of us that if you are in a long-term relationship with this type of man, who not only likes to go out dancing but also is good in bed, often the sexual relationship ends sooner than one might hope.”

Then again, “No one has any guarantees of anything,” Gallagher notes. “Sometimes it’s the younger partner who can become infirm. Just be willing down the road to live the ‘in sickness and in health’ vow.”

Still, the studies show that AGRs are often harder than relationships with smaller age gaps. Research published by the Institute of Labor Economics shows that couples closer in age tend to have more stable and satisfying long-term relationships; they typically share more common ground as they go through life stages and challenges at a similar time.

But that doesn’t mean that couples in AGRs can never find commonalities. Darcy Bennett* of St. Louis and her wife are a decade apart in age. “My wife and I always say thank goodness for the 90s!” she says “That is a shared decade for our childhoods, so we share a lot of the musical and cultural references from that time. It’s also good that we both grew up before smart phones and social media. So, despite our age difference, we share some of the same formative memories.”

Still, the wider the age gap between the couple, the less satisfying the relationship becomes over time, says the research group Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia (HILDA). In the beginning, it’s all “sophistication, stability, protection, and glamour,” says Lucy Andrews* of Denver, who lived with a man 27 years older than her for five years. “But the age gap does loom large after the glow of the romance dims a bit and it becomes harder to ignore. However, a connection with another human is valuable, as long as all parties are adults. You fall in love with the person. Age isn’t just a number, but for a short time in your life, it won’t matter.”

Happy Age-Gap Hacks

Even though they may face challenges, many big age-gap relationships are quite successful, and happy. Looking for suggestions as to how to best make one work? Dr. Holly Wood, a certified sex expert and therapist in San Clemente, CA, offers this advice:

• Be intentional, as you would with any other relationship. Ask questions to determine what their values and future plans are to ensure that you are in alignment.
• Discuss your expectations and concerns early and regularly.
• Acknowledge generational differences and use them as opportunities for mutual learning and growth.
• Establish boundaries with family and friends who may be judgmental about your relationship.
• Address power dynamics inherent in age and gender to ensure that both partners feel equally valued and important in the relationship.
• Prepare for health and aging concerns. Discuss potential future health issues and caregiving responsibilities openly.
• If relevant, have open conversations about whether you want children and how this aligns with your long-term goals.
• Focus on the relationship, not the age gap. If the relationship feels right and comfortable, prioritize your connection rather than dwelling on the age difference.

What Really Matters

Whether one is close in age to one’s partner or further apart, Bennett believes the most important things in any relationship — apart from love and chemistry — are respect, shared values and intellectual curiosity, a commitment to communication and vulnerability and a willingness to compromise. “As long as those are in place, I don’t think age or age difference — or sex or gender — matters,” she says. “I think each person in a relationship brings strengths, weaknesses, experiences, deficits, history, interests, blind spots, things they see more clearly, etc. that don’t necessarily equate to age.”

“What makes larger age gap relationships successful,” adds King Rayfield, “is the ability to have honest conversations about important topics, such as long-term plans, financial goals and family expectations. It is not about the age gap but how the couple navigates these issues together. When both partners are aligned and resilient to outside opinions, their relationship can flourish, demonstrating that love does not adhere to a specific formula or timeline.”

Freelance journalist and essayist Laurie Yarnell created the popular “Embedded in the ‘Burbs” for NBC’s iVillage. In addition to Good Housekeeping, her work has also appeared in The New York Times, The Journal News, HuffPost, MSN, Yahoo, Merriam-Webster, Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper, Town & Country, Esquire, Westchester Magazine, Hudson Valley Magazine, and Grown and Flown, among others. Yarnell has been interviewed on Today, WNBC-TV’s News 4 U, Channel 12 News, the ChickChat radio show, and Doctor Radio on SiriusXM. She holds a BA cum laude in Social Relations from Cornell University and a Masters of Counseling from Boston University, both of which help inform her work exploring contemporary trends in interpersonal relationships. A resident of suburban NY, she is mom to 2.5 Millennials and two Labs.